What is Happiness?

Defining Happiness

First and foremost I want to acknowledge and make one thing very clear: There is not a specific point at which we become 'happy'. Happiness is a choice, it's something we create with our mind through positive thinking. 

"The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human can alter his life by altering his attitude" - William James

This is a point that was made quite clear during the course of the entire Positive Psychology Program. Tal Ben-Shahar, a New York Times Bestselling Author, Harvard Lecturer and Co-Founder of the Wholebeing Institute in which he created the Positive Psychology Program, offered insights into happiness and wellbeing, from the world of science, that I was unable to understand before. I thought happiness was something you can experience once you've reached perfection. I thought

happiness came from without rather than within. The most profound experience during the course, was gaining control of my own happiness. I was given the opportunity to look at myself and understand the gift of failure, that only through the lessons of failure can you learn your highest potential. I was handed the opportunity to change the way I thought and choose to live life in love and acceptance AS IS, rather than how I thought it should be. I finally had the tools to let go of everything I thought happiness was and free myself in order to experience the simple and beautiful flow of life.

An wonderful article written for Huffington Post Online back in 2013, "This is Scientific Proof that Happiness is a Choice," gives eight easy ways to take control of your own happiness:

1 - Simply Try
2 - Make Happiness your number-one goal
3 - Linger on those little, positive moments
4 - Choose Mindfulness
5 - Smile your way to happiness
6 - Practice gratitude
7 - Pursue happiness, find happiness -- and success
8 - GIve yourself permission to be happy

I was stuck in a major depression after making the choice to leave New York and move back home to Milwaukee. It was a major turning point in my life - I had left behind a life I had worked so hard - my whole life - to build. Since the age of fourteen it was my dream to live in New York and work in Fashion and for long as I can remember that's all that ever mattered. I remember stealing my sister’s fashion magazines mesmerized by the designs, colors, fabrics and beauty on each page. It was a whole other world I wanted so desperately to be apart of. This dream kept me focused and hopeful because I believed that once I was in New York working in fashion I could finally be happy. At that point I couldn't care less about boys and dating, I had no interest in settling down and I certainly didn’t care about anything that didn’t help me reach my goal. I reached for the stars and was determined and persevered through all the ups and downs to reach what I thought was perfection. Of course, I wanted to fall in love but that would come later. That was my plan: After I made it to New York and was stable in a career in fashion I would fall madly in love and live happily ever after: The perfect plan, right? I certainly thought so.

I made it to New York and after three years I found myself working at a very highly respected Fashion PR company working with famous clientele, attending New York Fashion week, doing PR for major brands and mingling with the industry’s who’s who on a regular basis.  You could say I was living my dream and still so young, so you can imagine my dismay and heart wrenching disappointment when after all of this I was not happy. In fact I was miserable. What the fuck? This was the plan – I was supposed to be happy. My life seemed so perfect from the outside but in reality I was falling apart. I was one hair away from a complete mental breakdown. My perfect plan had failed me and I found myself asking the same question over and over again, “Why am I not happy?” - I needed to change everything and I knew it was going to be the hardest, most painful experience of my life. I decided to leave it all behind and start over.

Of course, now you can understand why, once I decided to move home in search of my happiness, I fell into a deep depression. I essentially let go of and lost everything I knew since I was fourteen. I no longer had a dream, a purpose or something to look forward to. I didn’t know who I was without fashion and I was constantly questioning whether I made the right decision.  My life in New York no longer served me, in fact it made me miserable, so why was I so sad once I gave it up? I was so focused on all the things that went wrong and all the questions that had gone unanswered I wasn’t able to function normally. In all aspects of my life I believed I was a complete failure and quite honestly I had lost my will to live.

As I look back through this painful time in my life I understand the reasoning behind everything. It was a true blessing and it helped me to discover who I truly was. As much as I loved my time in New York it had to come to an end because it wasn’t apart of my journey anymore. I had everything backwards. I thought that my happiness was contingent on things outside of myself. I truly thought that once I achieved everything I wanted to achieve I would be happy. I planned my life with my logical mind, I was chasing after perfection, willing to please everyone because if everyone liked me maybe I would like myself.

One of the first things I read when I started the Positive Psychology Program was Tal Ben-Shahar’s “Being Happy: You Don't Have to Be Perfect to Lead a Richer, Happier Life." He started the book off with a great quote by Philosopher and poet, Albert Camus, “In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.” It spoke to me so deeply. He goes on to speak about perfectionism and optimism saying that Perfectionists reject reality while Optimalists accepts it. That Perfectionists reject failure, Optimalists accepts it as a natural part of life and as an experience that is linked to success. A perfectionist expects the path towards any goal, and the journey through life, to be direct, smooth and free of obstacles. A perfectionist believes that a happy life comprises of perfection and an uninterrupted stream of positive emotions, consequently rejecting negative or painful emotions.

He goes on to talk about the wonder of accepting failure, accepting emotions – good and bad, and accepting reality. What I’ve gathered through the courses and through this book is that happiness, like everything else we experience in the world, is a state of mind, a state of being. Happiness is something we create our entire lives. It is a lifelong journey that ends when life ends. Happiness is about being happier rather than finding it within a destination, a thing or another person. Similar to love, being happy is about your own personal passage to discovering who you are. Perfection doesn't lead to happiness, in fact it's a current of it's own that leads your off course. Your happiness is your responsibility and there is so much power in knowing that what stands in your way to finding your own happiness is YOU. Once I accepted this my life has changed and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. Through the ups and downs, emotional moments and unexpected happenings I am happy because I choose to be. I allow life to happen and I choose, in every moment, to look at everything with a positive attitude. 

Below I have provided some books that I highly recommend if you are in search of your own happiness, or are just want to learn more! Click on the images of the book to purchase them. I have also provided a video of Tal’s “Happiness 101” lecture because, if you are anything like me, you want to know more and more. Also, I thought it would be appropriate that, in the spirit of not being perfect, I did not spell check this post. Came straight from the heart. Enjoy! J

All my love,

Recommended Readings 

(click on images to purchase)