Monday, February 8, 2016

Giving Yourself Permission to say 'F**K It!'

Breaking News: We are all human.  And what’s amazing about being human is that we all, somewhere in the process of growing up, fell into this illusion that we need the approval and love of others in order to love and approve of ourselves.  Since the beginning of time our human traditions have revolved around the need to impress others: From ancient wedding traditions in Asia, the Royal Family in the UK to the Presidential debates in the United States, the entire world depicts beauty, perfection and popularity as a means to success and happiness. We are hard wired from an early age to respect and strive towards popularity. We want to fit in to avoid the pain of rejection. Just look at the stereotypical high school movie stories that were so trendy in the early 90’s: Mean Girls, Clueless, Bring It On, 10 Things I hate About You, She’s All that, the list goes on. As much as I love these movies (can't deny it, they're so good!) they only confirm what we are taught is suppose to matter in life: beauty, popularity and power. 

The stories typically go as such: The popular girl rules the school and everyone is 'jealous' and either loves or hates her - either way they all want to be exactly like her because her life is SO perfect. She is Queen Bee with her very own clique of girlfriends who cater to every want and need of her. She wants her shoes tied? All she has to do is stick her foot out. They are her pawns, granting her every wish with desperation. The pawns get lost in the chase to win her approval. The ultimate goal is to be popular because to be popular means you are like by everyone, and that’s the ultimate goal right? Once they become popular, through Queen Bee, they can live happily ever after - sound familiar? The kicker is, in almost every story, the pawns eventually get sick of being treated like dirt by Queen Bee – they will never be good enough – that they finally stick up for themselves. This is the point in which they say, 'Fuck it!' I will not be treated this way any longer!”  They walk away from the chase, usually in an auditorium in front of the entire school, and give up the only thing that was standing between them and popularity – or success in the world of high school students. What they don’t realize is that by throwing their hands up in the air and saying 'Fuck it!' they instantly earned the respect of the entire school. Wow! She finally stood up to Queen Bee, everyone says. Suddenly this useless pawn is her own Queen – Queen of the pawns - and everyone screams and shouts “Pawn Queen!” while holding her in the air above their heads as they take her outside to the bright warm sun. Victory is celebrated as Old Queen Bee is sitting in the corner pouting with some kind of mess spilled on her head (paint, food, water, etc) or her clothes are torn to rags.

The point is… our lives don’t have to be a high school drama movie. We are all unique spiritual beings with unlimited potential. We have the freedom to be who we are and to be happy. If saying yes makes you unbelievably happy then yes, keep saying it. If following the orders of Queen Bee makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside, like you found your purpose in life then by all means, keep following. I’m here to tell you that if saying yes doesn’t make you happy, rather create a whirlpool of anxiety you can’t escape, or overwhelms you to the point where you can’t breathe, then it’s okay to say no. If following the high demands of Queen Bee – who treats you like shit - is making you feel worthless and alone, then find a way to say 'Fuck it!' There is so power in sticking up for yourself, for your happiness, and saying that – So much power in throwing your hands in the air and letting go of everything you have placed importance on that really doesn’t matter. 
Let’s dissect: Think of something you have placed importance on in your life. Grab a pen and paper and make a list of all the things that you’ve gone your whole life doing, almost as a ritual, to protect the sanctity of how people perceive you. Your façade, if you will. Things that hold you back from doing what you love and experiencing your bliss.  For example:
  • I will not leave the house without makeup on. What if someone sees me?
  • I must keep the house spotless. What if someone comes over unexpected?
  • I can’t relax, I have too much laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, work to do.
  • My friend/husband/wife/child needs me. I must drop everything in my life to be there for them, no matter how long it takes. That’s my duty!
  • I will not eat that piece of cake. What if I look like a pig? I don’t want to get fat.
  • I must not laugh at a funny joke because I need to look serious. You must be serious to be taken seriously.
  • I wish I could stick up for the poor kid in my class who always gets picked on, but what will my friends think? I'd rather stay quiet then have to deal with it.
  • I must hide my emotions. Men are supposed to be strong / Women are too emotional.
  • I can’t go up to that man and tell him I like him. Women shouldn’t ask men out. What if he says no?
I think we have all at one point in our lives been crippled with insecurity about leaving the house without makeup, or hair gel, in fear that we might see someone we know. One that I see most common is the fear of saying NO to someone we love. We say YES to everyone under the false pretense that in order to be loved one must sacrifice oneself for the other person. That’s what we believe love is, sacrificing our own happiness so that the person we love can be happy. But what if you love one hundred people? How does one manage sacrificing themselves for a hundred different people? The real question is: How does one manage to love others if one hasn’t yet begun to master even the idea of loving oneself?

If you truly loved yourself and respected who you were as a human being you wouldn’t have a problem with saying no to your second cousin, or friend you haven’t spoken to for years, asking you to drive them four hours out of the way to the nearest airport. If you loved yourself you would not allow a ‘Queen Bee’ to make you bend down on your knees to tie her shoe. If you really placed an importance on your own happiness and valued yourself - instead of tying ‘Queen Bee’s’ shoes or driving your distant friend four hours to the airport (and four hours back)- you would spend time doing what you loved: watching Friends, knitting, reading a book by the fire, walking by the lake, baking cookies to share with those you love, or sharing a meal with your beloved. You most certainly wouldn’t let an emotionally draining emergency word-vomit session with your child, friend, family member or colleague disrupt your time of personal bliss. Would you? Hell no. You would say 'Fuck it!' and you would politely tell them that this a problem that you trust they are capable of dealing with on their own and that they will have to wait until tomorrow, when they are settled down and are calm, to talk about it…you’re busy.
Now please understand that I am not at all suggesting that if your child, or friend, sister or colleague calls with a real problem, or with broken heart and needs someone to talk to that you tell him or her you’re too busy to help. No. One of the greatest joys in life is relationships and being there for those you love, to help them through tough times and be a shoulder to cry on when their hearts are broken. I’m telling you to use your love on moments that matter. I’m simply suggesting that you recognize and filter the moments that don’t serve your highest good and distance yourself from them; Spend your love on the moments that count. Recharge your love by doing what you love so that you have enough love to use on those moments that are important to you.

Does it really matter if you screen your boss's phone call at 7pm while you’re enjoying dinner with your family? Will it hurt you to say no to organizing another Saturday bake sale for your PTA group so you can take your children to the park? What’s the worst thing that can happen if you walk up to the boy/girl you admire and tell him/her that you like him/her? The worst that can happen is he says no and walks away feeling flattered that someone likes him. The worst that can happen is your boss will have to wait until the next morning to talk to you. The worst that can happen is another parent, who has said NO up until now, will have to organize a Saturday bake sale for your PTA group.

You see, saying 'Fuck it!' and finally letting go and giving up what we thought was holding our life together-but was really holding us back-not only gives us more time to focus on what we love to do and love ourselves, it gives us a profound sense of freedom! If we look back at ALL the times we did something we were not happy about, or sacrificed our own happiness for the approval of others, I’m sure there were perfectly appropriate ways in which we could have honored ourselves and respectfully declined. Maybe even come to a mutually agreeable compromise, but do we do it? No, because we are too afraid of what people think. We spend our lives dedicated to serving and enabling others that forget to love and honor ourselves. There has to be a balance between loving ourselves and loving others otherwise we will constantly find ourselves getting sick or fed up with life. That’s why saying Fuck It is so necessary and crucial to our health and well being.
Now, I want you to look at the list you made and next to each bullet point write an affirmation for yourself. Why does this not matter as much as you thought, and how you can you lovingly let go and/or compromise to make yourself feel loved!
  • I will not leave the house without makeup on. What if someone sees me? Fuck it! I don’t care, this is who I am!
  • I must keep the house spotless. What if someone comes over unexpected? Fuck it! This is reality. I don’t have time to clean the house everyday. I will ask my children/husband/wife/roommate(s) to help.
  • I can’t relax, I have too much laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, work to do. Fuck it! I’m going to relax and enjoy some R&R with myself. If someone if concerned about the laundry or dishes not being done then they can do it themselves. Or I can ask my family/roommate/partner to help me. I bend over backwards for them, it’s time they help me. J
  • My friend/husband/wife/child needs me. I must drop everything in my life to be there for them, no matter how long it takes. That’s my duty! Fuck it, I respect my friend/husband/wife/child and I trust that they are capable of dealing with life on their own. I can be there to listen and guide them through difficult times, but it is not my responsibility to fix their problems.
  • I will not eat that piece of cake. What if I look like a pig? I don’t want to get fat. Fuck it-Who the hell cares!!! My body does not define who I am. I love myself and I take great care of my body and I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I’m going to have a slice of cake! 
  • I must not smile, laugh or have fun at work. I need to look serious. You must be serious to be taken seriously. Fuck it!! I will have fun at work. Compassion is the key to respect. My colleagues are my friends and they respect me more when I'm myself and having fun.
  • I wish I could stick up for the poor kid in my class who always gets picked on, but what will my friends think? I'd rather stay quiet then have to deal with it. Fuck it!! I'm going to stand up for this kid, and for what I believe is right. No one deserves to be treated that way.
  • I must hide my emotions. Men are supposed to be strong / Women are too emotional. Fuck it!! Who the fuck cares. The stereotypes surrounding gender are absolutely ridiculous. I give myself permission to be human and accept my emotions.
  • I can’t go up to that man and tell him how much I like him. Women shouldn’t ask men out. What if he says no? Fuck it!! I’m going to walk right up to the man I like and tell him  what I feel. His opinion does not define my worth. He would be lucky to have me. 

See how easy and liberating that was! Don’t you feel more confident already? Freedom: it’s amazing. Self care and self love can honestly change the way you view the world. The world is not as scary as you've read in papers, people aren’t as judgmental as you think they are and fear is not an excuse to hold yourself back from being who you are and living a life of freedom. Free of fear, free of caring whether everyone likes you, free from the chains of society and the absurd duties that come with it. Saying Fuck it and finally putting your energy and time into what truly matters. The key is to do it lovingly, respectfully, compassionately and from the depths of your heart. Have fun with it and I hope, with all my heart, that you have the courage to bring a little more Fuck It into your life. And when you do, remember, it's okay. Everything is going to be okay. It's just a word.

All my love,
More to Explore:
  • Try taking this Fuck It Quiz and see where you are in the Fuck It life:  How Fuck It Are You?
  • Listen to the February 4th FREE Hay House Podcast with special guest John C. Parkin - Saying "F**k It" to What's Holding you Back 
  • Read John C. Parkin's books "F--K It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way", "The Way of F--k It: Small Book, Big Idea," and "F--K It Therapy: The Profane Way to Profound Happiness" (click on images below to purchase)
  • Visit thefuckitlife.com to explore the life of letting go of what's holding you back. 


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